Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
