at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Are we still banned from the library?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
