oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
