why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
