i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
