I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
