Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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