Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
