No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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