I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
