I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
