I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
