just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
