Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
