I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
