Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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