I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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