I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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