Whod you bang
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
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