She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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