this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
