this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i wish my penis had a tongue
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
