I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
