Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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