WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
if only i could text you this smell
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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