Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
