and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
