Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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