the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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