Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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