the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
