It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
