how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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