I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Never let your siblings swipe right.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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