you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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