i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Girls should come with a carfax report
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
