Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
