I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
