I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
