I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
