I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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