i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
