I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
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