Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
