Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
