Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
