I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
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TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
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Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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