I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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