That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
