i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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