Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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