I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
