I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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