I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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