She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
